Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize