No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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