i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
