someone threw a dead crab at me
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
