I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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