Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize