if only i could text you this smell
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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