I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
