sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
