WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
