Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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