I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
