she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
