his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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