At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
