Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize