The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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