I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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