I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
