Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
