I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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