we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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