everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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