I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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