Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize