the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
