Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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