Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
