if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
