party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
