Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
