Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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