Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
