did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
