I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
id be glad to
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
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