there's paper in my vomit.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
