he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
