She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
