Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
