i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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