I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
