I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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