we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
