the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize