it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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