i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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