i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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