i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
