Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
