who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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