Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
