so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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