Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize