Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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