Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
