I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
