Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
