I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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