"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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