Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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