I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
