I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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