Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize