Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize